Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
