I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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