Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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