You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
