In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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