just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
