My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Semen is not good for contacts.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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