I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
