just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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