I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Houston, we have a squirter
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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