I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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