i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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