im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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