HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
