sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I will pee on everything he values.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
