I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
