Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
