I can text with my tongue
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
