So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
