You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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