i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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