i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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