What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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