Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
