So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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