He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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