remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
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Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
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alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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