I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
