what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
