do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
