Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
