i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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