i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
