I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You took a bar mat shot.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
