will power is for people who don't want to get laid
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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