she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
