Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
