I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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