if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
