I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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