Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
