Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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