Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
