he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
