I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
