When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
