Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
