I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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