I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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