Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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