I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
