there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's blow job season.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
