I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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