just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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