eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
