You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
