dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
